This post curtesy of a short deal with wethepainted

[aredblush]

Since wethepainted has come down with a case of posting-shyness, I made her a deal. If she would post her latest amazing, gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful art piece, I would publicly ridicule myself by posting the literary spawn of my nightly musing.

So, remember when Zack posted those pictures from "Panic! at Buch Walker's"? Ace and I were chatting at the time and then this picture was posted and the following exchange took place:

me: see, I feel like we should focus on the fact that even if Spencer is a zombie, Brendon is still pushing his face into Spencer's shoulder...
Ace: Oh gosh that is possibly the cutest thing EVER.
Spencer is terrifying (eh, sorta) and Brendon still wants to cuddle him
me: I want a story where Spencer turns into a zombie and Brendon is still in love with him, ok?
Ace: &Boys;
Uuuh I want that story too!
me: like, maybe in this AU zombies are not evil, they just come back to life and have to adapt themselves again
Ace: Ah, I like that idea!
But it would mean that Spencer would've died at some point
;___;
me: maybe he doesn't die... he just gets infected!
Ace: ahaha, he totally gets infected through Ryan.
I don't know why I'm so sure of it, I just am.
me: because Ryan kept reading poetry by dead people!
Ace: Ryan and Jon are exactly the type to get zombified and never even notice.
YES
And really, "braaaaaaaaaains" doesn't sound all that different from the usual stoned mumbling Ryan does when he is really, really high, and really relaxed.
me: I WANT THAT AU!!!!
Ace: You should WRITE IT >:))

I am so not a writer, but I was pretty enamoured with this (stupid) zombie!verse idea, so later on I sent to Ace the following... thing, which was supposed to be a sort of introduction to Brendon realising that something was not right with his boyfriend:

It all started when Spencer came back from spending a week at Ryan's. The first sign was the craving for entrails (strange, Spencer had always said they were disgusting); the second was the constant scratching of Brendon's head (nice, but it was a pretty vigorous scratching that made Brendon's scalp hurt); then came the gnawing on Brendon's hair in the middle of the night (just plain gross).

And then, once Spencer spilled the bean, Brendon's first reaction to finding out about his boyfriend's condition:

"You know," Brendon scratches his cheek, "all things considered, you got lucky"

Spencer blinks and takes in a completely unnecessary breath "Lucky. You think I got lucky."

"Well, as far as I know, zombies have to dig their way up from underground using their bare hands and, let's face it, you hate getting dirt on your clothes" Brendon says pointedly.

Spencer covers his face with both hands and presses his fingers against his eyelids, hastily stopping when it feels like his eyeballs are sinking way too much into his skull. Fucking Ryan and his dead poets.

After that, Ace kept bugging me about what happened in the "Zombie!fic" (yes, we are that creative), to tell her the whole story. Be glad that you only get to read it in chat-form.

me: so, Brendon and Spencer met each other in college
and they start hanging out and then end up dating
while they are still at the beginning of their relationship (when things are still in the air, like, they are dating, but they are not yet committed to each other?)
Ace: Dating, an unexpected plot twist! jk.
me: ahaha
Ace: oh yup, I know that stage.
me: ok, so they are at that stage and then it's Easter break or something
and Spencer goes to visit Ryan and Brendon goes to visit his own family
and during that weekend Spencer gets infected with the zombiebug
Ace: :D Damned be the dead poets.
me: exactly!
so Spencer comes back feeling a bit unsettled, and craving meat (ahahaha oh my god, I live in the gutter)
and so here is where we stick that little intro bit I wrote
Ace: (:DDDDDDDDDD the stars look much brighter from down here)
me: about Spencer chewing on Brendon's hair while sleeping
I'm thinking Spencer does the research by himself
and tries to hide the truth from Brendon
Ace: oh of course. Oh Boys-
me: because he really likes Brendon and wants him to be his boyfriend, commitment and all
and so he comes up with methods to stifle his zombie-urges
Ace: *nod nod *
me: but in the end Brendon finds out anyway, and Spencer is so scared because who would want to date a zombie?
But Brendon just calls him stupid
and kisses him carefully (Because maybe Spencer's skin has become kinda fragile lately)
Ace: Brendon can deal with his boyfriend being a little undead, really!
me: and they live happily ever after on a veggie diet THE END!

Now, that is the part that I'm completely unable to write because hello? I can sort-of-write just crack. Which is how I spent the rest of our chat coming up with crack-ish scenarios:

me:maybe they can go out to eat prawns and lobster once a week
because Spencer can crack the hard shell
and pretend it's actually a skull...

or

me: Spencer can't shave because the razor would peel off his skin too
so he just trims his beard with craft scissors for kids.

or

me: Maybe Brendon asks Spencer to go with him grocery shopping, but they have to stick to a particular route
that will prevent Spencer from walking in front of the cauliflowers
because they looks like brains.

or

me: Brendon forbids Spencer from cooking
because yes, Brendon likes carrots a la julienne, but only when they are not mixed with Spencer's fingers
(because being a zombie means that Spencer doesn't feel pain, right?)
(he's dead, he can't hurt physically, right?)
And so Brendon does all the cooking. Fortunately, they stick to a very vegan diet and the most complicated thing they can do is grilled veggies
and they do that outside so there's no risk of burning their apartment down
(because once they got together for real, they totally moved in together)
(Brendon has to keep an eye on his somewhat dead boyfriend)
(he's one of a kind! Everyone would want a boyfriend like Spencer!)
Ace: (totally!) (of course) (yess!)

And then two days ago I was sort of bored waiting in line at the post office so I emailed Ace an outtake from those ridiculous "Life as a Zombie" experiences.

Going Grocery Shopping

Spencer is following Brendon down the aisle, listening to Brendon chatter away about the project for his Music Theory class, when he sees it.

It's big and round, the sprouts clustered i tiny, regular, crunchy-looking bunches.

Brendon's voice fades to nothing.

Spencer doesn't even realise he's lifted this off-white perfection up to his face until he's sinking his teeth into it, the supple flesh giving way to his incisors. He shivers when the large leaves enveloping the base tickle his throat.

"-was thinking I could put in that progression I came up with last week - you like pepperoni, right? - and then I can close it wi- SPENCER!"

Spencer freezes mid-bite, his tongue barely stroking the knobby surface of his prize. He looks side-way to Brendon, eyes wide.

Brendon lets the bell pepper he was holding fall back into the produce crate and puts his hands on his hips. "Put it down." he orders.

Spencer blinks, uncomprehending.

"Spencer," Brendon enunciates slowly "Put. That. Cauliflower. Down."

Spencer peers down at his precious vegetable and sighs. He gives the cauliflower a last, secret lick and detaches his mouth from it. There is a neat ring of teeth marks adorning one side of the brain-looking vegetable, a sheen of spit making the resemblance even more uncanny.

Brendon walks up to Spencer and gently prises the cauliflower from his hands.

Spencer looks down embarrassed, "Uh. Sorry."

Brendon hums. "Maybe we can hide it under the others?" he rolls the vegetable around, "and forget pepperoni," he says looking at Spencer, "I think it's time we make a visit to that lobster bistro..."

Spencer frowns, confused.

Brendon quirks his mouth, "I hear you have to crack~ the shell open and then suck~ the flesh out..."

Brendon is so smart, his brain must be decadent. It's almost a shame Spencer loves him so much. Almost.

ETA! As Ace was so gracious to point out, I also emailed her the opening scene of the zombiefic-that-will-never-be:

Spencer met Brendon in Chemistry 101.

He had taken a seat in the back row because he didn't know anything about compounds and balancing and bonding. As soon as the professor opened his mouth, Spencer knew he had made the right decision: there was no way he could have sat in the front rows and kept a straight face with the professor droning about chemical nonsense in a nasal voice, pronouncing all Rs like Vs.

He bit his lip to keep a giggle from tumbling out, and heard a stifled laugh.

On his right, a couple of seats over, a guy with dorky glasses had his arms crossed on the desk, half of his face hidden in the crook of his elbow. He was silently shaking with laughter, peering down at the professor. He caught Spencer looking and quirked his eyebrow.

"Is he for real?" he mouthed, raising his face from his arms.

Spencer smiled, "Appavently" he whispered.

The other guy snorted loudly and promptly slid down his seat, trying to hide behind his notebook.

The professor didn't seem to have noticed, though, and kept up his drawling, monotone dissertation on hydrogen.

AND THEN THEY GO GET COFFEE TOGETHER \o/

Ok, you can throw rotten tomatoes and all kinds of soft veggies but please, keep the potatoes and hard fruits to yourself, ok?

Comments

[coreopsis.livejournal.com]

That first link is friendslocked. :( Now I'll read the rest of your post. :)

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

I frowned Ace into submission, so it should be public now :)

[pixiebullets.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA OMG I'M LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW THIS IS MADE OF AWESOME. SPENCER IS AN UNDEAD ZOMBIE! CAULIFLOWERS OMG.

I'll never see/eat cauliflowers the same way again.

Dude, I think you should totally do more of these outtakes. It doesn't have to be a real fic, you know? I think it'll be more fun this way! :D

Do one where they go to eat lobsters! Or one where Brendon helps Spencer shave or trim his beard. :D?

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

It's not his fault! Ryan and his stupid dead-poets poetry infected him!

The cauliflower thing came to me thanks to this book (http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347) :D

Mmmmm.... maybe I will. I have a half assed idea about Brendon bringing home lots of colourful, sparkly, plastic scissors to help Spencer find the right ones...

[coreopsis.livejournal.com]

awwww poor Spencer. Brendon should have let him keep the cauliflower since he was enjoying it so much. hee.

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

Yeah but see, it wouldn't have been just one cauliflower. Spencer would have finished that one and then jumped onto the next and there would have been a scene like the last time they went to the university canteen and there were cauliflowers as a side dish... Brendon disguised it as a food-fight, but doing something like that in a supermarket could be kind of hazardous...

[saba1789.livejournal.com]

OMG LOL! This is hilarious! :D

"Well, as far as I know, zombies have to dig their way up from underground using their bare hands and, let's face it, you hate getting dirt on your clothes" Brendon says pointedly.

"Spencer," Brendon enunciates slowly "Put. That. Cauliflower. Down."

He gives the cauliflower a last, secret lick and detaches his mouth from it.

Brendon is so smart, his brain must be decadent.

*LAUGHS FOREVER*

I'm so glad you had to post this to blackmail Ace to post her fabulous art :D .

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

Oh well, at least someone found this writing debacle enjoyable...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_princess_han_/]

Oh God this was brilliant! Zombie fic is at its best when it's cracky! :D The poor cauliflower.

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

Zombie fic is at its best when it's cracky! I agree with you so much!

[seratonation.livejournal.com]

ahahahahah omg this was awesome! too bad its not real fic *flutters eye lashes at you*

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

You can stop the fluttering, the most you'll get out of me are bits and pieces ;)

[of-silverandsky.livejournal.com]

THIS IS SO GREAT, I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING. but in the end I was like, 'aaaaaaawww'.

It's so awesome, I dont know how to convince you that you write great stuff. :)

[aredblush.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it!

You will never succeed. Desist now.